Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
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To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.