*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
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why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”