So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
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DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
*launders Kohls cash*
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.