Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
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I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season