When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
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My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
#CoronaOutbreak
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I hope google does well on my son’s test