WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
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*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.