Does anything good ever escape from a lab
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Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.