A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
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I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy