If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
You Might Also Like
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I did not eat the cake…
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/