The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
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Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Why is everyone getting married at me
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides