*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
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My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?