Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
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me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Every time.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.