“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
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so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie