Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
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interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
This hospital has everything
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Every time.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE