*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
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🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
jesus christ confetti not now
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
…żyje?
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired