date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
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Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I just love that new Pope smell.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa