[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
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The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Saving my good tweets for marriage
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work