“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
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*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.