I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
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I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]