Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
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LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost