[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
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Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.