me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
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me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.