too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
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It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.