Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
You Might Also Like
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”