got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
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Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
This is my favorite one of these!
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off