You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
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My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.