Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
You Might Also Like
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.