Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I got soap in my shower beer again.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Moms. The original autocorrect.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Always the camel, never the toe.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.