Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
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pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.