I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
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End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich