DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
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My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.