Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
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“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic