I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
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Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”