Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
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Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!