If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
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If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
no!! no!!!!!!
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here