If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
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*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?