me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
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Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
buying dead houseplants to save time
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
“just sayin” who asked you though?
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Twitter is an abusement park.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.