Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
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Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
She: I like Cats
He:
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.