Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
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me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]