*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
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An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
what day is it?
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?