me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
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HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
british sex workers really pound for pound
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth