Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
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[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Need WebMD
Finally, an explanation.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.