If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
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Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
That’s classic.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.