In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
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You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*