Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
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Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*