One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
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{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
That’s incredible! 👌
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.