I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
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in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”