You Might Also Like
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that