ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
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I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Lmao the reply
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
why would tinder want me to say this
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Finished stitching this today 😇
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.