[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
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Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.